Monday, September 15, 2008

A Little Help Here?

I think I might need some help here. I'm on the line with something and need a little push.

Last year I was blessed to take care of a baby full-time. I started taking care of her when she was 5 months and had her until right after her first birthday. We got very attached to her over here. The girls love her and she fit in just wonderfully. It didn't feel like work, it felt like we had a baby in the house.

And in that it felt like we had a baby in the house. Meaning, my main focus was on Baby Girl. Of had to be, she's a baby. They are little and they get into things. I like to hold them.

I've been so blessed to be able to be a stay-at-home mom since I've had my babies. Somehow we've just made it work. I love it. And watching Baby Girl, my girls had no complaints. They just jumped in with me in that orbit around Baby Girl. No jealousy or anything. Baby Girl was just one of us.

But I missed that one-on-one time with my own girls. I missed the focus being on my own girls. I missed my girls, if that makes any sense. So at the end of the year, I decided I wouldn't continue to take care of Baby Girl. I felt very torn about that too, because we love her and I am very attached to her. And I love that she is to us too. It was good timing though, because her mom had the summer off anyway, so it was a good transition.

Well, now Baby Girl has started child care. They live on our street, so we get to see her often and get updated on her life. Well, she's having a hard time adjusting to being in this new setting of child care. She's starting her third week there and she has still not settled in. And from having worked in the day care setting, I know that this is normal--this adjustment period. The transition. The fact that she had her mom all summer. The fact that she's one and separation anxiety is a big part of this age. I know all this. I know in time, she'll settle in. BUT, I hate hearing she's having a hard time. She's even stopped sleeping through the night, because she just wants to be with her mom and dad. I hate hearing that. She was doing so great here. I feel so bad. I feel like I let her and her parents down. I feel so selfish.

So last night, I'm laying in bed trying to read and I'm seeing the words, but nothings going in. I am suddenly very consumed with Baby Girl. I even wake my hubby and have this huge talk about if I should start watching Baby Girl again. The pros and cons. I mean, I love this new found freedom I have now that both my girls are in school. The fact that my list of "things to do" is done by the time they get home and I'm all theirs. I love volunteering in their school and being involved that way. I feel like I'm connected again. But I seriously lost some sleep last night over Baby Girl. I actually got out of bed at 11:00 p.m. and e-mailed Baby Girl's mom to let her know I was praying for her and thinking of her. Asking her all these questions about the day care situation (that is really none of my business) and fishing to see if they needed me. I mean, I was looking at high chairs on Craig's List at Midnight. What the heck?!

I don't even know if this is really what I want to do. I really like how things are with my family now. Not that I didn't before, but it was seriously like we had a baby in the house. You know how it's like when there's a baby in the house. Your life is completely broken down by the minute. Schedules. Naps. Teething. Everything is completely baby proofed. Sticky. Messy. Not done. And wonderful.

But I finally am at a point in my life where my babies aren't babies anymore. I don't have to do all the baby stuff. There is a huge amount of freedom in that and freedom on many levels. Freedom to do something else. To not be all mom while the girls are in school. Those hours I get to figure out, remember, get back in touch with who I am outside being "mom". And my house is so clean. And our dinners are so good. And when they get home, that running list of "things to do" takes a major hiatus, cuz most of it is done and I can just be. Just be with them. That has been very, very good.

But I'm feeling this pull--over here too. I'm dreaming Baby Girl and when I'm not dreaming Baby Girl, I'm losing sleep over her. So like I said, I'm on a line here. I'm not sure what to do and really just want someone to go ahead and tell me what to do. That would be awesome. I know that's not how it works. But let's just pretend it is.


Mummy said...

Hmmmmm that's a hard one Sunshine. All I can say is to follow your instinct and your heart. Just keep turning it over and the answer will come to you. You will have years of time to yourself while the girls are in school but Baby Girl will only be a Baby Girl for a very short time.... Let us know what you decided :)

(Oh and you're not showing up on my followers list.....strange.....)

Rena said...

Wow, that is a tough one, Sunshine. I wish I had an answer for you, but that's going to come from you alone. Perhaps you can make a decision after Baby Girl's mom emails you back and fills you in on things. Good luck with this and I'll keep you in my thoughts & prayers. God bless.

Hillary said...

I can't tell you what to do here, but since we're pretending, I'll tell you my opinion.

I think...and I don't mean this heartlessly...that Baby Girl is not your burden. It is wonderful that you want to help her and you want to make her anxiety go away, but like you said, a lot of it is her age...the phase she's in right now. Her sleeping will get back to normal and she WILL adjust.

I think it is incredibly commendable that you're putting your girls first. THEY are your priority. They need you. And you have the opportunity and freedom to make them the priority. Take advantage of it, I say! Mom and wife 'em to death! Well, not quite to death know what I mean.

It isn't selfish for you to stop watching Baby Girl. God gave you two little girls and it's your job to shepherd their little hearts. Being able to just "be" with your girls helps with your relationship. When you're unpressured they are unpressured and during those unpressured times is when the windows of their little souls open up and they share the joys and the pains and the questions they've been holding inside.

So ... with those thoughts in mind, I recommend you let Baby Girl go. Of course, there's always the possibility that God may move you in the other direction, but IF He does, you'll KNOW.

Now go get some sleep and put the decision in God's hands...and put Baby Girl there, too.

Aubrey said...

Wow. Have I been in your shoes!
I started watching a little baby boy right after I decided to stay at home with my son. The baby boy was 3 months when he started and just turned 1!! The main reason I wanted to stay home was to have that 1on1 time with my last child/son so when baby boy's mom started needing 3 days instead of her 2, I had to reevaluate. Even though I felt guilty, I let her know I could only do an occasional 3rd day a week. My time with my little boy is too important.
Follow your heart mommy! If you don't believe it is the right choice for at this time, it is ok to say no.

Dee said...

Hill put it perfectly, I think.

And I know what you mean about wanting someone to tell you what to do. Major missed opportunity in my life recently due to not being able to make a decision.

Cyber hug to you.

Lex the mom said...

This would be very difficult. And as many have said, the decision that is best for you will come to you!

This all seems to be happening at light speed, so be sure to give yourself a lot of time to think things through. That way, you know for sure what's best for you & your family.

You're wonderful, lady!

On the Ghost Hunters thing - wouldn't it be awesome? I watch that show & I think Grant & Jason are awesome - along with Dave, Chris, Steve & the others. I don't think it needs investigating, it isn't strong enough. That picture is just an anomaly. Maybe someday someone can explain it to me.

I still have to go through my pictures to get one of Grandpa. I have so many, though - it's a daunting task. Of course, nothing is organized, either.

Take care & don't be a stranger.

Sunshine said...

Thanks for all the advice. You are soooooo good to me. I shall blog about this today...:)