Friday, November 2, 2012

This Is My Child

Tuesday was horrible.  Around 11:30, I got a call at work from Addy's (my 9-yr-old daughter) school that she had two seizures. This has never happened before. No, not never.  Icouldnotgettherefastenough.  It is amazing how your body reacts to hearing such news.  My teeth were chattering, I was shaking so much.  Drop everything. Total tunnel vision.

My phone hates living on this mountain, so it only works never sometimes. The school kept calling and of coooourse, my phone wouldn't ring.  So I had voice mail after voice mail.  The school was about to call 911 and do you think I could figure out the school's number for the ever-living life of me?!  When "411" made me spell out my city I almost punched them in the throat! We live across the street from the school, so luckily Matt (my I say these days) was off that day, dropped his taco and ran right over to the school.  He's an EMT tech in the only hospital for houuuuurs ER here and it made me feel better that he was there with her as I drove the longest five miles of my life.

When he brought her home, the relief I felt to see her was huge. She was exactly Addy. Thank God. I mean that so much.  She looked pale.  My baby looked so pale.  But she was "fine".  I had called her dad to let him know what happened and let her talk to him, so he'd know she was okay.  She immediately told him what she wanted for Christmas.  Then she wanted lunch. That made me feel better.  For a second.  We took her to the ER to get her checked out and thanks to my partner working there, I believe we got in and got attention rather quickly.  Really nothing came of this ER visit, except a referral to a pediatric neurologist in Tucson.  The doctor we saw didn't even think she had a seizure.  But he didn't know what it was. WHAT?  I don't get it.  Idon'tgetitatall.

Addy was in the library when it happened.  She was waiting in line to check out a book and while waiting, she noticed and commented out loud to a friend that her head hurt really bad..."Wow, my head hurts really bad..." and rubbed the left side of her head.  When it was her turn to check out, the librarian saw her go down.  She thought she was messing around, cuz kids do that.  To be funny, they pretend they are falling down. Then she heard tapping.  She rushed around the counter to find Addy laying on the ground shaking...her foot was tapping the counter.  Eyes open, rolled back, head, hands, feet, body jerking...the librarian held Addy for three minutes until it ended.  When it was over Addy popped up and told her, "I'm okay...I feel better."  By then the nurse had reached her and was asking her if she was okay.  No sooner had she asked, Addy went into another seizure.  The nurse and the librarian were on either side of Addy and it only lasted about a minute, so she didn't go down on the ground.  Again, Addy came out of it saying, "I'm fine..."

In relating what had happened, this is where the ER doc told us he didn't think it was a seizure.  The fact that she "popped" out of it so quickly didn't make sense to him.  Apparently, she should have been passed out or exhausted.  In other words...out of it.  Also, she didn't wet her pants or bite her tongue, and when she fell for the first one, she didn't fall hard and hit her head. Usually people fall hard.  I guess she went down into a sitting position and then fell back. She also shouldn't have been able to bear weight during that second one (tho I do think that was because the nurse and librarian were holding her).  So after a consult with a pediatric neurologist in Tucson who agreed that it probably wasn't a seizure, blood tests and a urine test, we were discharged with a referral to said pediatric neurologist that we will be seeing next week.  No CT scan.  No MRI.  No EEG.  Sometimes I hate this mountain. What the heck???!!! Listen...I believe him.  I'm sure he knows his stuff, but WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO HER?!  And why did it look like seizures?! We went home with no answers.

I'm scared.  I'm praying.  I want answers.  And then I don't.  I want it to be a fluke.  I want it to be as simple as dehydration.  She had PE right before and ran for like 4 minutes...maybe it's that simple.  I Facebooked it all and asked for prayers.  I got them.  Maybe that took care of it.  Can it please take care of it?  I believe. I don't mind driving three hours to hear a doctor tell me it's nothing.  Please let it be nothing.  I never want her to have another "episode" like that ever again.  I'm sure I don't have to tell you that hearing that voice world fell beneath my feet.  Instantly.  This is my CHILD.

Thankfully. more "episodes". She went back to school. She trick-or-treated. She's Addy.  Now we just wait until Thursday and see what the good doc the pediatric neurologist has to say.  And I just try to trust.

Thanks for "listening".

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Startin' Over

I read myself to sleep every night.  Usually it's books, and yet my daughter's Hunger Games book sits in it's current untouched spot (for the last three months), waiting for me to finish it. I don't really know how I haven't finished Hunger Games yet and Shades of Gray is a whole other blog post (yet another one I cannot, not, not get into)'s perplexing in my world, but alas, a season, I think.

Lately (just lately) I find the zzzzz's reading my app's on my phone. I don't know if it's the handiness of the phone or the fact that I don't have to reach over and turn off a light. The mad scramble to find my phone in the morning (at the bottom of the bed sheets) doesn't bother me enough, I guess. And for the curious, this is the order by which the app reading goes: Facebook feed, People, TMZ and if I'm still not in dreamland, MSNBC. I am very current.

Moving on, cuz this is actually a serious post. I've been trying to figure out how to get back over here and write.  A lot has happened since the last time I posted.  Actually, literally days after my last post,  everything changed--to put it incredibly mildly.  If you follow my blog, you know I'm open, that I "say it"...I share too much--almost to a default.  I can't do that right now.  Today.  What has happened has to come out in bits and pieces now, sprinkled into my NOW every day.  I thought about starting a completely new blog, because my old life is just a chapter of the rest of my life now. It's the end of a story. But every time I try to begin a new blog, it doesn't work.  I think because it's not real enough for me.  You have to see all of it.  What used to be and this continuation of what is. 

Back to the original thoughts that got me back to my blog today (stay with me)...

As I was saying above about reading myself to sleep, I came across and article on my People app featuring Garcelle Beauvais's blog a while back. I didn't even know who she was before I saw this, but I SO feel like I know this woman very well now. I just want to share her, her story, because her story is MINE. It's stunning to me how universal, how parallel, how same, the walk of betrayal plays out...the wave of it's consequences. Her story is very real. Trust me. It's so good to good to live out the goodness, The Better, that somehow, almost supernaturally can come out of it. I'm happy for her.  I'm happy for me. I think this is a positive story, in the end. Amazingly positive. And it's encouraging to me, as I imagine it is for a lot of us.

Here's the link to her story.  

Take good care.