It's Been A Long Time

I had a dream about my mom last night. My real mom. And I only say the "real" part, cuz in previous posts I've referred to my "mom" and I've been talking about my step mom. Are you confused? My step mom has been with us since I was nine and though we've been through some rough times, she's one of my best friends now and I do call her "mom". I just felt like I had to explain that real quick.

So I had a dream about my real mom last night. It's the second dream I've had about her since she passed away twenty-three years ago. The second dream. So it's a big dealie to me. I almost just wrote it down in my journal, and I still will, but I think it's something I needed to bring over here too. This is therapy, you know.

I get pretty upset that I don't dream about her more, cuz I'm a very big dreamer. A vivid, real-life dreamer. I can read words in my dreams (which is a big dealie, apparently). I dream about everything and everyone. I have all-night-long dreams about people I don't even know, have never met. But I don't dream about her. She's who I want to dream about. I haven't seen her since I was eleven. It's been a long time.

She passed away at the age of thirty-six from complications related to diabetes. She was a sick woman. She had been completely blind since the age of twenty-three. She never saw my sister and I. But she knew everything about us. Despite her illness, how very sick she was for my childhood, she was a mom. She loved us with every cell of her body. Every breath. She was very good at loving.

There are certain things I remember about her. Her laugh. She cackled. Her hair. It was chestnut brown, straight and long. Her eyes. She had one green eye, and one blue. She loved buttered saltine crackers in the middle of the night. She played the guitar. She had beautiful, tan, creamy skin. She believed in Jesus. I know where she is now. There's more. I remember my childhood very clearly. I feel like it's a gift. I am grateful for it.

My dream about her was sweet. She was still blind, and in a wheelchair. But she was beautiful. In my dream, I just could not take my eyes off her face. Her smile. I don't remember our conversation in the dream (or maybe it just hasn't come to me yet...I haven't really let myself remember it yet), but I remember her face. And for now, that's all I want.