Monday, August 16, 2010

Yin Yang

** This post is dedicated to That Larry Guy, cuz he can be grumpy and likes it when others are too.

Okay, this post is not gonna be pretty.  I should have a little guarantee that you'll feel so much better about your own life after reading it--the very reason I watch Hoarders, Supernanny and Jersey Shore. 

There will be pictures.  Ye be warned.

This is what I get for going to Hawaii and having the best, most perfectest, funner (those two words were for Fancy Lori) time of my life--you know, right after my wedding, having the babies,Vegas and a girlfriend getaway in an Arizona desert. Okay, maybe Hawaii fit somewhere a little earlier in the mix, but things have been pretty darn good. Just sayin'...

Remember when I was rubbing my vacation in and you were getting all mad at me and (surprisingly) not happy that I was on an island and you weren't and you were one Hawaiian blog post of mine from unfriending me on Facebook? Okay, now remember when I said, Don't you worry your pretty little head (Larry), my life will balance out and something will not be all glittery and smell like coconuts everywhere I go?  Remember when I reminded you that I'm really good at that whole Yin Yang stuff? Well, I am here to tell you, I've done my job--I have not let you down pretty much since I have left the island. Here's my checklist:

Near-death experience (#2 by the way). Within an hour of getting home from the Hawaiian vacay, we witnessed a CrAzY driver cause an accident, that we would have TOTALLY been very much in if Addy didn't forget her booster seat at grandma's.  The guy took out a front yard and fence, started going down the wrong way of the street into oncoming traffic, corrected all crazy-like, right in front of us, and at full speed ahead, slammed into three cars sitting at the stop light, backed up (nearly into us) and sped off, leaving his bumper and license plate behind.  It was a BAD scene.  One that if Addy hadn't forgotten her booster seat, we would have been the first car he slammed into. CHECK!

Get flipped off --> <--.  CHECK!

Dog Diarrhea. Went to the beach with a girlfriend, six little girls and two dogs for three days. Within 30 minutes of arriving at the beach/hotel, my dog drinks some ocean and proceeds to throw up AND have diarrhea on the hotel carpet.  Surprisingly, shampooing and scrubbing the Dickens out of dog vomit and diarrhea soaked hotel carpet didn't really phase me once I got it cleaned up (sorry, Larry). But you know...CHECK!

Bad dog.  Good wine.

Fall down and get hurt. My girls and I had just had a lovely dinner at my parents' house and were on their deck enjoying a beautiful evening. My girls were playing with my brother in the backyard.  Addy-girl ran down the stairs to chase my brother and missed the last two steps. I ran down to save her life and *I* missed the last step and fell right next to my girl.  Addy was (eventually) only bruised and fine.  I broke two toes.  A tiny frog jumped on my leg while I was doooown though.  That was cute. CHECK!

Bad Ju Ju.

Turned into a werewolf. I spent the entire week deep cleaning my house (MUCH to my childrens' dismay, cuz I am not a fun mom at all when I am deep cleaning) and just when I can see the light at the end of the deep cleaning tunnel and am imagining children asleep, a warm bath and a large glass of wine, I find that one of The Hubb's home brewed beers had exploded in the closet under the stairs for no damn good reason, all over EVERYTHING!  The walls, ceiling, carpet, coats, arts and crafts supplies galore, and Wii drum set were drenched in Porter.  I could pour you a glass of beer out of the drum set. It was a friggin' crime scene in there. I had to "go to another place" to pull myself together to clean that sucker up.  And of course The Hubb's is out of town until I don't even know when, so it was ALL MINE to clean up.  Don't worry, I SO have a list of demands for when he does get home. CHECK!

I didn't get an actual pic of the Crime Scene itself, cuz I was a werewolf, and wasn't thinking straight, but this is everything that was in that dang closet.  See the tub of beer?  Those were how many beer bottles were on the shelves (which I have since moved into that tub *with a lid*).  Imagine all those bottles sitting in puddles of beer on the shelves.  Mmmmhmmm...So glad one of the carafes didn't explode.  The Hubb's would be minus one wife.  And please notice the "baking soda" listed on the chalk board.  Mmmmhmmmm...Underneath *all that* is a really clean house...that smells like a dive bar now.

Thoroughly cleaned up after the "Crime Scene".

See (Larry), this is what you call BALANCE.  Yin and Yang. Maybe some bad Ju Ju.  Or as a good friend of mine said:  Life.


Lori said...

I'm really not that bad, am I? I just like to pick on the people I like. Just a little. I love made up words, just not grammatically wrong words!
By the way, once long ago, we had a case of home-brew explode in our closet/pantry. I can feel your pain!

Sunshine said...

Fancy Lori!!! Yay! No, you're not *that bad* ; you even realize how much I relied on you last year for all my PTO stuff? We need you. :) And uh...can you be my blog editor, by the way? I needs one. (oops)

You had a CASE <--- of home brew blow up?! ((faint)) Anthony is a lucky man that you are still around. That's a deal breaker! ;D

p.s. do you have a blog?

Jen said...

Fancy Lori needs a blog! Fancy Lori needs a blog!

Martha said...

That "Dog Diarrhea" part of your...I guess..."Yang" could have totally been written by me 3 years ago. Totally! Happened in my parent's condo (SSSHHHHH!!! NEVER tell them!) and we rented the steam cleaner and painted the walls and washed and washed the comforter he jumped UP on the bed to throw up on. Poor thing. He was never allowed near the ocean water again. :(

And that you mention that in the same blog as your epic beer explosion is...Hermione-esque ('Cause I can't spell "Heroine" ...oh wait...I guess I can ;) )

Sunshine said...

Martha, you make me happy.