Do Not Do This At Home

A special note to The Hubbs, in defense of Going to the Spa.

Last week I went and did the big Target shopping.  The cart was loaded with things that we needed (detergent, kitty litter, paper towels, sponges, light bulbs, dishwasher soap, and on and on and on...) and nothing that makes me go, ooooooooh...pretty.  I will say I was a tad bit...we'll say hopeful, instead of excited about one little purchase--

See it? Take a good look. That little $5.99 purchase was loaded with GUILT for me all week. It was supposed to make me beautiful (specifically in the chin region of my face), but, instead added two new blemishes, three new "worry wrinkles", and five new gray hairs. Lemme tell you why. Though that little sucker came home with me, I didn't actually purchase it.

I know, I know...you are all shocked. Me too, me too. Lemme explain.

So, I get out to the car to load all my newly purchased needed, but boring, Target items into the car and notice that the Neutrogena tube had fallen out of one of the bags and was in the cart--or so I talked myself into. I needed to get home and I was sure I paid for it. So I left. The guilt started to seep in with every mile I drove away from the store, and it gnawed at me good. As soon as I got home, I tore through the bags, looking for the receipt. Sure enough, I totally stole it.

Now some people would be screaming, BONUS, and things like, Sucks to be you, Target!, apply the face mask, in the garage, via the car's side mirrors, THEN unload the Target bags, doing a little happy dance. Yeah, I didn't do that. I knew that if I put one drop of that sucker on my face (specifically the chin region), as a payment from The Universe, it would have acid in it and I would be severely disfigured for life. Oh yeah--total worst case scenario.

So, I vowed to take that sucker back and pay for it immediately. But then the kids came home from school, the dog peed on the carpet, I had to take the clothes out of the washer and put them into the dryer and I forgot about it for a week.

Okay, I didn't forget about it entirely. I shoved it under the bathroom sink, in the far, dark corner, where I couldn't look at it. Then I promptly got five new gray hairs, three “worry wrinkles” and two new blemishes.


I knew I had to take it back. But Target is so faaaaar away. (Not really, you are in that area pretty much every day of your life, Sunshine.) I’ll just throw it away. (Still doesn’t negate the fact that you didn’t pay for it, Sunshine.) I’ll give it as a gift to someone. (Then THEY will have severe disfiguration—can you live with that, SUNSHINE?!)

But, but, but…what if the lady at Target’s Guest Service yells, SECURITY!!, and I get arrested? (I shop here all the time!! I have receipts, statements! I loooove Target!!!) My kids will get home from school and I won’t be there, they will cry and the dog will surely pee on the carpet again.

How about I sneak it back IN Target and put it back on the shelf? No, I’m sure they will see me on Them Security Cameras and yell SECURITY!!! and I’ll get arrested even before I get past the $1 bins.

How about I drive to Target and put it in a cart that’s in the parking lot, and then leave? No harm done. Brilliant. NO.

How about I go into Target, purchase ANOTHER tube and then leave it in a cart in the parking lot? DANG IT. NO. Stupid, stupid conscience.

Look, it’s not like I’ve never done anything wrong. I flipping do ALL THE TIME. Girl t’ain’t perfect. But I just don’t need one more check mark against me—it just might tip the bucket over, if you get my meaning.

So I took it back, ready to face the consequences. I told my story, braced myself for the handcuffs and planned my mugshot. To my surprise (disappointment), the lady at Target’s Guest Service was so amazed I brought it back. She went on and on (about how wonderful I was). I’m sure numerous Target employees were JUST ABOUT TO swarm all around me, walkie-talkie’s buzzing like crazy to bust it to Guest Services immediately, and a sea of red, polo shirts would lift me up and carry me up and down the aisles, cheering, clapping and making an example of me. THIS IS WHAT YOU DO, PEOPLE, THIS IS WHAT YOU DO!! DO NOT STEAL!!

But I paid for it and got the heck out of there, before, you know, they went overboard.

And this. Is Why. I need to go to the spa, instead. The End.