The Happiest Man On Earth

Funny story. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. **You might want to pause the Christmas music on my player, cuz it doesn't really go with the story.**

So I'm out having coffee with a girlfriend of mine the other day and we're sitting, enjoying Peppermint Mocha's, catching up. She has baby with her. We're trying to entertain baby who is climbing all over the place. Bananas, cheese, spoon, keys, cell phone. We're talking, all the while thinking of what's in our purse that we can pull out next so baby will be "busy" and we can keep talking. I love babies. This is totally what they do. And I seriously don't mind having banana in my hair. I swear. I only mention baby, cuz baby plays a part in this funny story. Foreshadowing and all.

We share stuff. Catch up about the families. Oooh, aaaah and mmmmmm over the Peppermint Mocha's. Next, she tells me some big news. Her hubbs is getting a vasectomy.

Now this is the part that is funny. Over the table she whisper tells me why hubbs is getting snipped. Right about this time, baby is climbing over me, pushing buttons on my cell. I'm trying to read lips, and make sure baby doesn't call China. I am easily distracted when a baby is in the room. So what I see her whisper say across the table is something like, "...because I'm so dang horny all the time."

Now let me just say right now, that I just don't go around saying and typing "horny". This is only for the purpose of the story. "Horny" is one of those words we do not say "in this house". Not that my kids have *ever* said it...but I know it's coming, so it's on the list. Right next to "shut up/stupid/fat/hate/butt..." there's more...but you get the drift. I'm not against "horny". It's just not real lady like to go around blurting out. AND, this is totally, totally NOT something my girlfriend would ever, ever say. Not even whisper. It's for sure on her "Words We Do Not Say" list at home too. I'm already shocked she said the "V" word out loud (vasectomy). She's private. Really private. So it's already huge she told me in the first place.

Needless to say, it was really shocking lip-reading "horny". I might have choked on my Peppermint Mocha. I was thinking, I did not just hear her say "horny"....I played it off though. Didn't overreact. Just kind of gave a little, "Mmmmhmmmm...you don't say..." dealie. She had to be equally shocked at my reaction across the table, which was literally no reaction (cuz it was all going on in my head). Which would totally not be my reaction in real life, cuz I am good about putting on a show! I am a very good listener when a baby isn't calling China in my lap. But I was questioning myself. Thinking of alternatives she could have been saying. The moment was quickly passing, approaching that line where it's been too long now to respond to it. Then baby needed some cheese or something and I had to go. Late as usual to do something.

That night, I lay in bed going over the conversation (yes, I lose sleep over these things). What I was thinking was that she wanted to get off her birth control, because one of the side effects was that it was making her too horny. I was like, Really? That's a bad thing? What, is she wearing the hubbs out? Not able to get anything done at home? Losing sleep? Can't concentrate at work? Cuz that's not really a bad side effect in my opinion. Not at all. Gaining 30 pounds, turning into a werewolf--those are bad side effects. My hubby would be The Happiest Man On Earth if those words had come out of my mouth. There would be champagne involved. Cigars. He'd give away free money. And he would not get a vasectomy if my birth control could do that.

So I thought about that conversation for weeks. Two to be exact, cuz that was the next time we got together for coffee. And I just had to ask her. I brought up the vasectomy and ever so casually brought up our convo. So yeah, what did you say was the reason you were wanting to get off your IED, or whatever it is--Your birth control? Ha ha...this is a funny story within the story. Did you catch the "IED"? Yeah, I totally thought she had that birth control that goes in your arm. Whatever the flip it's called. Immediately she caught the "IED" slip, cuz she's a smart girl. She didn't think that's what it was called. That's actually an abbreviation for "Improvised Explosive Device". Ha ha...so yeah, she would definitely not be getting pregnant if she had one of those implanted in her arm. So yeah, that wasn't the BC she had. ANYWAY (i am always here to entertain).

I had to get to the bottom of this (no pun intended). I go on to tell her that (ha ha), I totally thought she said it was because she was "too horny". This is where we both lost it, cuz let me tell you--it is THAT hilarious that she would say such a thing. Once she got herself back together, she informed me that what she had actually said was, "...because she was tired of all the irregular bleeding she was getting from the birth control." Which makes a lot more sense--to a smart person. Totally not even remotely close to "horny". So yeah, I *don't* know where my dirty mind was that day. Bad. So bad.

So we laughed and she told me, "Now this is blog material," and gave me the green light to blog about it. And of course, I jumped on it (no pun intended), and here we are. This is for you, girlfriend.